Travis looks at me with a strange expression on his face. At first, I can’t place it. Is it weariness…anxiety…reluctance? Then I realize that it’s a lack of expression. It makes him look almost animalistic, and it honestly makes me quite uncomfortable. He’s a fairly unremarkable looking man in his late 20s. He has a slight frame, and his eyes are dark brown as is his slightly curly hair. “I don’t want to waste time, so I guess I’ll just get to it. I don’t like people” he says. “I don’t know what it is, but I’ve always been this way. I don’t want them around. I don’t even need friends. Seriously, I never get lonely at all. I just want to know why.” Unlike the majority of patients who seek therapy, Travis has not come to increase his emotional wellness, but to explore the reason he doesn’t have emotions when it comes to people. At least not strong ones.
As a child he was content to be alone most of the time, reading a great deal or building massive Lego cities. He got along well in school with no issues of bullying or disciplinary problems. He describes his parents as loving and involved. The only thing missing was the desire to have other people in his life. “I can fake it really, really well” he tells me and his face transforms into a gentle, likable smile and warm interested eyes. The transformation shocks me, and I tell him so. “Yeah. I worked on it for years” he says, his expression once again almost entirely blank. “I just want to know why I have to…I want to understand what’s wrong with me.”
When someone in our lives doesn’t care about how we feel, this blockage typically comes from a misunderstanding, a defense mechanism, trauma, or addiction. But what about when someone in our lives never ever seems to care about us or anyone else? What happens when empathy is simply never there to begin with? While this doesn’t happen often, it does occasionally occur, and it is important to identify when you meet someone like this. Not to judge them or criticize them, but to keep yourself safe from all of the negative feelings that will occur if you put your faith in their ability to empathize.
People who lack empathy for others are often labeled psychopaths or sociopaths by the general public. But this is actually not the case. Or at least not always. There is a wide range of thoughts, beliefs, and behaviors that all involve some degree of emotional disconnection within people. Diagnoses including Schizoid Personality Disorder, Conduct Disorder, and Antisocial Personality Disorder all include elements of significant disconnection from empathy and connection with others. However, not all people who lack empathy and connection are necessarily dangerous predators. The truth may be far more nuanced.
First, “sociopath” is not a clinical term and doesn’t describe a reliable set of behaviors of thoughts. Psychopath, however, does have a clinical basis and will be our focus in this discussion. The Psychopathy Checklist was created in 1980 by Robert Hare in order to measure traits and behaviors that are antisocial. Identifying motivations, behavioral patterns, and risk of recidivism is an important tool not only for our justice system, but for understanding an emotional deficit. Georgetown University psychologist and neuroscientist Abigail Marsh asserts “psychopathy is a condition that causes people to do things that reduce our compassion for them,” (DeAngelis, 2022). But what about the compassion response in the person who acts in these ways? Understanding the lack of compassion, connection, and overall emotional responses of people who demonstrate psychopathic traits helps us to understand these people on a deeper level.
Current understanding of psychopathic traits embraces the Triadic model. This divides psychopathic behaviors and beliefs into the categories of Meanness, Disinhibition, and Boldness. This helps to communicate exactly which symptoms of psychopathy are problematic. For instance, Meanness involves an inability to bond with others and deficits in empathy. Whereas Boldness involves issues of irresponsibility and difficulty regulating emotions. (Patrick, 2014) Similarly, Prosocial or Limited Prosocial Emotions specifiers are attached to conduct disorders to specify whether or not a person can feel the emotions which bond a group together. All of this is emphasizes that the ability to empathize with the rest of your pack is a key part of humanity. Without it, things start to fall apart.
People with strong psychopathic tendencies do tend to feel the full range of emotions. Pride, interest, satisfaction, sadness, frustration…all of these are present and accounted for. However, they manifest and are processed in very different ways. The numbness and disconnection sometimes associated with psychopathy is largely due to the lack of meaningful communication with others. In the above case example, Travis was able to cultivate an appropriate facial expression, but chose not to when he didn’t absolutely have to. After all, if you don’t care about what other people think or feel, you don’t have an incentive to communicate – even nonverbally-- with them.
The problem with people who naturally have these traits is that they are not pack animals. These are actually the ‘lone wolves’ we hear so much about in dark tv series’, amorous fiction, and spaghetti westerns. Rather than being a romantic notion, this inability to become part of the pack means they aren’t going to be reliable or responsive to others. Because they aren’t concerned about the pack, they tend to manipulate others and lack prosocial behaviors.
Interestingly, lacking pack-supportive behaviors may not always be a severe problem. A significant amount of research has explored the fascinating question of whether a certain amount of psychopathic behavior is useful. In her 2018 article Psychopaths in the C-Suite?, Karen Landay posits “To some extent, psychopathic tendencies might be good for leaders in moderation. After all, we often need leaders who can make the tough decisions. The wrong combination of these traits, however, could have dire consequences. At some point, these individuals may tip from being assertive to being a bully”. Additionally, people with moderate psychopathic tendencies were more likely to be rated as effective leaders than those with either high or low psychopathic tendencies. (Landay, 2019)
However, interacting with individuals who exhibit psychopathic traits can present significant risks. These individuals are often manipulative and deceitful, using their charm or coercion to exploit others for personal gain without caring about the harm they cause. A defining characteristic of psychopathy is a significant lack of empathy, meaning these individuals rarely feel guilt or remorse for their actions. This can manifest in harmful or exploitative behaviors, including predatory actions where they target and take advantage of the vulnerabilities in others. Relationships with people showing psychopathic traits can be emotionally draining and damaging, leading to trust issues and emotional trauma.
Continuous exposure to such behavior can dramatically affect your own mental health, possibly resulting in anxiety, depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder. When talking to someone who has psychopathic traits, there will often be an emotional response in ourselves along with the frustration of not being able to connect. Our confusion rises to the surface, only to be compounded and met with unsatisfactory answers. Our emotional responses often offer us the ‘chill effect’ to help clear this up. A cold fear-like response will let us know that we’ve unconsciously picked up on some of this empathy-deafness. We might like this tiger, but make no mistake that that is who we are sitting next to. A Tiger. Unattached and not driven to bond with us or care about us. At least not in the same way as the rest of the pack.
Intimate interactions with people who lack pro-pack behavior can be so befuddling that we might be tempted to make excuses for their behavior. Moreover, their behavior can strain or destroy relationships, leading to frequent and confusing conflicts. While not all people with psychopathic traits are violent or criminal, their lack of empathy, manipulative nature, and disregard for social norms can make interactions with them complex and potentially harmful, necessitating caution and, if needed, professional guidance.
Interacting with a pack-less person (someone who has many or most traits of psychopathy) can be challenging to recognize. However, there are certain signs that may indicate you're dealing someone who lacks pro-pack behaviors:
Lack of Empathy: A hallmark sign and the core of the other pathological traits is a profound lack of empathy. They often fail to appreciate the feelings of others and may be indifferent to their suffering.
Manipulative Behavior: They are skilled manipulators, often using charm or deceit to get what they want from others without concern for their wellbeing.
Pathological Lying: Psychopathic people frequently lie or give insincere statements, and they can be very convincing. This may be, in part, due to a lack of guilt or shame.
Egocentricity or Grandiose Sense of Self-Worth: They may have an inflated view of themselves and believe they are superior to others. Alternatively, they may be over-focused on themselves and not seem to care about others.
Lack of Guilt or Remorse: They typically do not feel guilt or remorse for their actions, even when these actions cause harm to others.
Poor Behavioral Controls: Perhaps because they don’t empathize when they hurt someone else, this can manifest as aggressive or hostile behavior, and they may have a history of trouble with the law.
Irresponsibility: They often fail to fulfill work obligations or financial commitments, unless it is in their own interest.
It's important to note that these traits alone do not diagnose someone as “a psychopath.” Psychopathy is a well-researched term of mental and behavioral health can only be assessed by a qualified mental health professional. If you're concerned about someone's behavior, especially if it's causing harm, it's best to seek professional advice.
Deepening our understanding of anti-social behavior – or even what I might call apathetic social behavior- does not in and of itself protect us from harm. Pack-less people are more likely to trick, manipulate, or harm others. Through intention or neglect, their behaviors are naturally not aligned with our best interests. Hopefully you don’t encounter much of this in your own life, but if you do I urge you to observe their statements and behaviors mindfully and to react appropriately.
Recognizing anti-social or anti-pack behavior, setting limits on what role these people are allowed to have in your life, and having realistic expectations for how they are likely to act are all incredibly useful skills that we should all keep in our back pockets. Relying on our emotional senses and the chill that comes over us when a tiger is in our midst is a good first step.
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