Creating a “Soft Place to Land” at Home: Why It’s Important and How to Do It
The other day I happened to be watching an old episode of Dr. Phil (don’t judge me, yes I love reality TV), when he mentioned a phrase I love. He asked a parent whether the family had created a “Soft Place to Land” for their teenager. This is far from a unique term or concept within therapy. Sue Johnson calls this a Safe Haven, and the Gottmans call it “Turning Toward” and “Emotional Safety.” No matter what you call it, we all need it.
We all need a safe haven—a place of complete non-judgment. A place of acceptance, care, and support when life feels overwhelming, stressful, or just plain hard. Whether it’s with family, a spouse, or a partner, creating this emotional refuge in your relationships is one of the most important things you can do for both yourself and the people you love. Life has some truly tricky elements to it, and having a home environment where you feel supported, heard, and understood can make all the difference.
A “soft place to land” is more than just having a roof over your head or a physical space to relax. It’s about creating a sense of emotional safety and warmth in your relationships. It’s about knowing that no matter what happens outside, you can come home and be yourself without fear of judgment, criticism, or conflict. In this environment, you can let your guard down (you don't need any armor here), process your feelings, and regain your strength. Let’s dive into why this matters and how you can build that soft, supportive space in your family or relationship.
Why a Soft Place Is Crucial
Think about how much time we spend dealing with the outside world—work, school, social obligations, unexpected stressors. A lot of our daily lives are spent managing demands and expectations, often leading to stress, anxiety, or even occasional burnout. It’s easy to feel drained when you don’t have a place to retreat and recover emotionally. That’s why it’s so important to have a space at home where you can be totally (and safely) vulnerable.
Creating this emotional safe haven doesn’t just benefit you—it benefits everyone in the home. When family members or partners know they have a place where they can express themselves without fear, it strengthens the bonds between them. In romantic relationships, it can deepen intimacy, while in family dynamics, it can foster trust and better communication. Everyone feels better when they know they won’t be met with criticism or defensiveness after a tough day.
The soft place provides a buffer against the stresses of the outside world. It’s a space where vulnerability is welcomed and poses no risk at all. Where you can process your emotions without feeling pressured to “fix” everything right away. In turn, it also builds emotional resilience. Knowing that you have a safe environment to return to makes it easier to deal with life’s challenges because you’re not carrying the burden alone, and you won’t be criticized or judged when you do need help, support, advice, or comfort.
How to Create a Soft Place to Land in Your Relationship
So, how do you go about building this soft place to land? It starts with communication, empathy, and intentional actions that show your partner or family members that their feelings and experiences are valued. Here are some steps to help create a nurturing environment at home:
1. Open and Honest Communication
The foundation of any safe haven is trust, and trust is built through communication. Open conversations where each person feels heard and respected are key. This means creating space for each other to share thoughts and feelings without interrupting or jumping to conclusions. In this communication, it's important to empathize calmly. There's no need to feed negativity, or pick up the sword on behave of your loved one. Rather, you can help to create a calm, open emotional space to simply talk about things and have thier emotions be heard and respected.
For example, let’s say your spouse had a rough day at work. Instead of immediately offering advice or trying to fix the problem, simply listen. Validate their feelings by saying something like, “I’m really sorry you had such a hard day—that sounds so frustrating.” Sometimes, all someone needs is to feel heard. Encouraging your partner or family members to express themselves openly, without the fear of judgment, fosters emotional safety.
2. Cultivate Empathy
Empathy is one of the most important components of emotional safety. It’s about putting yourself in the other person’s shoes and showing understanding, even if you don’t fully agree with how they feel. In a safe haven, there’s room for everyone’s emotions, whether they make sense to you or not. Take the time to ask how your loved on is feeling and really listen to their response. If they’re upset, don’t dismiss their emotions or try to minimize them. Instead, acknowledge their experience.
For instance, if your child is upset about something that seems small to you, resist the urge to say, “It’s not a big deal.” Instead, try saying, “I can see that this is really bothering you—how can I help?” If your partner is stressed about work, try asking them more about how this is effecting them and what they might need from thier home life.
3. Be Present and Available
Life gets busy, but creating a soft place to land means prioritizing time for each other. Being present means not just being physically there, but emotionally available as well. This could be as simple as checking in with your partner after a long day or setting aside time to talk without distractions (like phones or TV). In fact, I recommend not just putting that phone down, but tucking it under a nearby pillow or setting it down across the room. You'd be surprised at how effective it is in signalling that someone is more important than that little device.
For example, if your spouse or child starts opening up to you, pause whatever you’re doing and give them your full attention. Showing that you’re there for them, both mentally and emotionally, creates a sense of security. Your presence in those moments communicates that their emotions are important and that they are valued. I love car-conversations, since there's so little to distract from the openness, but don't be afraid to carve out some dedicated time before heading to bed or on an after-dinner walk to really connect with your loved ones.
4. Create Rituals of Comfort
Having small rituals or routines that offer comfort can go a long way in creating emotional safety. These could be regular check-ins, bedtime conversations, or even weekly family dinners where everyone shares a highlight and a challenge from the week. In my family, we often use "thorns and roses of the day" to talk about the disappointments and joys we've had. These rituals offer consistency and predictability, helping everyone feel grounded.
In a romantic relationship, this might look like making time for a quiet evening together after a stressful day, where you both can unwind and reconnect. It could be as simple as sitting on the couch together, sharing a meal, or taking a walk. The point is to create moments of comfort that offer a sense of calm and belonging.
5. Encourage Vulnerability
Vulnerability is a powerful tool in building emotional safety. Encouraging vulnerability means creating an environment where people feel comfortable expressing their fears, worries, and insecurities without the fear of being judged. This can be tough, especially if someone has been hurt before and has built walls to protect themselves.
One way to encourage vulnerability is by leading by example. If you’re willing to share your own feelings and struggles, it invites others to do the same. For instance, if you’ve had a hard day and feel emotionally drained, don’t hide it. Let your partner or family members know how you’re feeling. By modeling vulnerability, you show that it’s okay to not always have it together, and you make it safer for others to open up too.
6. Avoid Criticism and Judgment
Criticism and judgment are two things that can quickly destroy the feeling of safety. If someone feels like they will be criticized for sharing their thoughts or feelings, they’re less likely to open up. Instead of critiquing or offering unsolicited advice, focus on validation and understanding.
For example, if your partner tells you they’re stressed about a situation, instead of saying, “You’re overreacting,” try responding with something like, “I can see why that would stress you out.” Even if you don’t fully understand or agree with their perspective, acknowledging their emotions creates a supportive environment. This isn't being fake or placating them. It's about letting them know they are safe to talk about everything - even their mistakes and shortcomings- in this relationship and that they won't be judged after revealing them.
7. Be Mindful of Your Reactions
Your reactions to someone’s emotions can either reinforce their sense of safety or make them hesitant to share in the future. If your spouse or child shares something vulnerable and you react with frustration, impatience, or indifference, they may start to pull away emotionally.
Try to respond with calmness, even if what they’re sharing triggers your own emotions. This can be hard, especially in the heat of the moment, but taking a deep breath and approaching the situation with kindness can make a huge difference. Remember, the goal is to create a soft place to land—not a battlefield.
Is This Therapy?
You might think these elements sound a lot like therapy…and they do. We therapists train for a long time to make sure the moment you step into our office or log onto your telehealth appointment, you know you are in a safe, soft place. This doesn’t mean we coddle anyone or shy away from holding up a proverbial mirror when someone might need to reflect on their own behaviors. It means that we know that a safe haven is the only way to really feel comfortable, and that it is incredibly valuable. Without this softness, none of us can feel able to be vulnerable and feel completely comfortable doing it. Speaking as a therapist, this is one of the things that makes me truly proud of what I do. I’m not here to judge anyone. I’m here to be your safe place.
Outside of therapy, you aren’t always asking for advice and you aren’t asking for professional help. Instead, you need the safe haven of your tribe... your village... the people who love you. Safe havens are therapeutic, but aren’t the same as therapy. Most of the time, we need this soft acceptance as a place of rest and recovery, not as elements of deep change or analysis.
Creating Emotional Safety Takes Time
Building a soft place to land at home isn’t something that happens overnight. It takes a bit of effort, patience, and intention. But the rewards are well worth it. When everyone in the household feels safe, heard, and valued, relationships flourish. You’ll find that communication improves naturally, conflict becomes easier to navigate, and everyone feels more connected.
It’s also important to recognize that this process is ongoing. Life will throw challenges your way, and emotional safety might be tested from time to time. The key is to keep coming back to those core principles: open communication, empathy, presence, and the willingness to make a non-judgmental space for each other’s emotions.
In the end, creating a soft place to land at home is about offering love and understanding in ways that make life’s struggles more bearable. It’s about giving yourself and your loved ones a refuge from the chaos of the world—a place where everyone can feel safe, supported, and free to be themselves. And when you have that kind of foundation, you can handle just about anything life throws at you.
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